


I Am Black, Then I Am White

by 13ineedpills13



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Heavy Angst, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Sick Character, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25004719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/13ineedpills13/pseuds/13ineedpills13
Summary: Azul is a pathetic human in every way possible. Social standing, academics, relationships, hobbies, talents, feelings...  He meets with Lucifer, who eventually takes an intrest in his antics, just to make him feel welcomed in this land of demons for the purpose of the exchange program's success.---This doesn't really follow a specific story line, just the shit I make up as I go and things that doesn't make sense.Azul is just me with exaggerated emotional problems and other sad stuff.This will probably turn into a love triangle with Simeon later on.--- UPDATED SUMMARY
Relationships: Lucifer/Original Male Character(s), Main Character/Simeon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a practice one-shot in one night and didn't edit it. But now i kinda wanna write a continuation to this. Give me feedback pls
> 
> \--- UPDATED NOTES (just erased the bigass paragraph in here that didn't make any sense, written out of spite towards my past OC'S and sleep deprivation).

The emotionless boy stands all alone on one of the benches on the courtyard, with his white earbuds attached to his ears. 

He was listening to a random J-Pop artist, muttering the lyrics as best as he could. He held a blank face, with his oversized, blue cotton jacket. This thing covered his hands completely and got down to his knees, yet he still insisted on wearing it over his dark green uniform shirt. It looked a bit funny since the colours didn't match, but he fucking hissed at anyone who dared to make a remark about it. No one knew why he was so attached to this jacket, and Mammon got a huge bruise on his forehead after he attempted to steal it to sell it. 

He stared at the pregnant cat that trusted him enough to lay down on his lap. He ran his hands through the soft black fur of this cute creature. The cat was pretty tiny, so the swell of her stomach made her look like an oversized avacado. The one thing he had in common with the Avatar of Wrath was his love of cats. But his love was different from the demon's. Cats had a weird power on him; he didn't know what exactly it was, but it helped him to calm down from his screaming head and the tight feeling in his chest.

It was both stress and pain most of the time. He didn't know what was the thing that stressed him out this much, but he would find himself in a longing of quiet places where he didn't have to talk to anyone. By the end of the day, all of his senses would scream at him to go to his room and lock his door, and don't speak a single word for the entire evening.

He truly had no idea what this tightness that held over his brain and chest, but it made it hard to breathe withouy trembling and feeling cold. It would made him shed tears, make his brain feel hot, fill him with the intense urge to smash something into pieces and scream until he collapsed until he collapsed. He had an intense urge to punch someone in the face and tell them to get the fuck out of his life. But this urge would disappear immediately after something distracted him, like this cat. Or his phone. 

Or his bed, maybe the trees outside. Whatever it was, it came in like a disgusting wave and made him consider death, and then disappeared shortly after, sometimes leaving him in a hollow state. Or, if he was lucky enough, he would smile at something amusing as if nothing happened. He would feel creative all of a sudden, like if he didn't write a cool story, he would loose his mind. His chest would feel like it was going to explode.

The Avatar Of Pride had no idea what was wrong with this boy. One moment, he would seem like he wanted to murder someone and cry for hours in a bathtub full of their blood. The next moment, he would look oddly melancholic. Like be was reminiscing about something. Next moment, he would smile like an idiot to himself or laugh loudly, write pages and pages of stories, or finish a brand new, thick sketchbook under three weeks. He considered looking at his health records, but he only found records of normal doctor visit. Such as colds and minor infections. Nothing about a psychiatrist or a therapist. 

Why was he even this concerned over a simple human? Oh, yeah. "The exchange program." He repeatedly told to himself, but he knew that it was much more than that. Why was he lying to himself? Well, his own personal things could wait. The point is; Azul didn't look happy in here at all. He observed him enough to know that if he tried to get close to him and hold a conversation in this moment, Azul would most likely get angry and want to end the conversation as soon as possible. 

He showed this with many signals. If he was standing still and gazing at one place for too long, it would most likely because he is thinking about something upsetting or getting lost in his thoughts. If he was sitting in a bad posture, it was because he wasn't feeling comfortable and wanted to hide, he didn't want to be disturbed. 

It was easy to keep track of these types of things, they were obvious signs. He could understand his feelings of discomfort and anger. Many demons (himself included) have threatened him, made fun of him, even though they didn't touched him directly. It was forbidden, and anyone who would disobey was Diavolo was for to die in a pathetic corner of the dungeon.

A human with horrible communication skills and a miserable inner world, there was no way he would fit in here easily. It's already been two months, and he was still alert with everyone around him. He hated being touched, had severe confidence issues, and had an especially bad relationship with Asmodeus. The last time they went out shopping was pure disaster. 

Asmodeus seemed stunned and frustrated when they came back, and Azul was in tears, with a small bag from Majolish in his hands. Without saying anything, he went up to his room and slammed the door behind him. He didn't attend dinner that night. "What the hell happened?" Lucifer asked, angry at the attidute of this human and what Asmodeus might've told him. 

"I picked out clothes for him and he wore them after 8 minutes of sweet talk and convincing. Then he picked out t-shirts with really ugly designs. Uncreative, disgusting, and just... Bad.

"Get to the point."

"Fine, fine... I told him there was no way we were going to buy any of those, and he began frowning and pouting. He then started being passive-agressive with me. We argued inside the store, lef there without buying anything I picked out for him, and then he started crying when he saw the house. I have no idea what got into him."

All Lucifer could do in reply was to sigh, and ask what happened to him a few hours later, after dinner. He couldn't make out what the hell he was talking about either. What was he supposed to get from "Asmodeus is just way too lucky at everything. I hate him."? Seriously... He, unwillingly, spent the whole night about what could've made him act like a child all of a sudden, but he couldn't find an answer.  
Until Azul, randomly, opened up to him about the fight two weeks later while he made dinner as if it was nothing _at first_.

"Well, Asmodeus is always so pretty. He knows how to look good. I liked those t-shirts because they seemed comfortable and nice to me..." He paused with a sudden change in tje atmosphere around him. Lucifer didn't know this, but that tightness came over Azul's chest again. It slowly settled in on his brain, heating it as if it was a overworked phone. "I was excited to buy them..." He said, as his hands stopped moving on the stove, stirring the soup for that night's dinner.

"...But then he told me they looked ugly. I got angry, but then, it felt like what he was saying was true. Like it wasn't ugly until he said it. If I wore that now, it would just make me look uglier. And Asmodeus would be angry."

"Asmodeus doesn't define what is beautiful and what is not. You should stop listening to him if it upsets you."

"You talk as if it's so easy." Azul shots him an angry look, as be spoke with a shaky voice. "You're so powerful after all... I hate you with every single cell in my body."

**Hate?**

"No one is forcing you to like anyone in here." Lucifer simply responds, leaning agganist the table in the center of the room with his arms crossed. He knew that he should shut up before he says something that would make his already-terrible relationship with this human worse, but his pride just wasn't allowing it. What an easy excuse to use, pride... 

"...You're right." Is all he could say, Lucifer wasn't wrong. And it hurt him physically to admit it. "I... Can we, you know... Stop talking?" He looks up at the Morningstar, frowning with a pained, stressed out expression. "Can you?"

"Can I what?"

"Stop asking me questions and get out."

"I didn't say anything." Lucifer crossed his arms, he knew he was walking into the fire with a shovel. But what could this puny human do? He would make a fuss, calm down, and expect everyone to forget about it afterwards. Then the cycle would continue. And it would make everything harder for everyone. He wasn't a child, why was he acting like one? The Morningstar wasn't going ro excuse this attidute any longer, he was sick of it.

"Leave me alone, Lucifer. I don't want to..."

"You don't want to what, human? Express yourself."

"I can't!"

"Why?"

"I just... I feel like- Ugh... Get out. You've heard enough! You don't need to know further!"

"You haven't even said **anything.** You cannot go on like this in here, or in life... Come over to my office once you fix yourself and then, maybe we could have a proper talk and I can help you with whatever condition you have." He said with an angry huff and left the kitchen, leaving the short boy alone with his thoughts. Tears of anger formed up in his eyes, he put the ladle in his hands with a loud clank on the tile counter and put his hands over his face, letting the tears go down his face with small sobs and hics.

"There is nothing wrong with me." He said and wiped his eyes, feeling more tears running down his face.  
"I am not a lunatic, I swear..."

He, yet again, calmed down way too soon and fast, putting this incident in the corners of his heart go remember and feel worse later.

This was the type of person this human was.  
And ever since their fight, he had been avoiding everyone like the plague. His grades have dropped comedically, his appearance worsened too. His eyes would usually shine in a glossy red and there would be huge bags under his eyes, hidden away behind the thick framed glasses he was wearing. 

His hair was a tangled mess, and there were many discoloured splotches on his face that was either caused by banging it so somewhere accidentally, or lack of sleep and sickness. His soul was losing it's shine everyday, as if this land was breathing the life out of him. But he still had the energy to laugh and smile, he still had the energy to tell people that it was just their imagination. He was getting thinner too. The loose jacket looked like a potato sack on him now. "I am getting worried about him, Lucifer." Lord Diavolo says, with a genuine displeasure and concern on both his tone and voice.

So, agganist his own will (that was what he was telling himself), he had to fix this boy somehow. Because at this rate, just like Barbatos said in their private meeting, the boy was going to die in here soon. He was slowly falling apart, piece by piece.  
Even now, he seemed so small and vulnerable. He had a world on his own that he refused to leave, and it was killing him. Lucifer catched the boy wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his shirt on the bench, what was he thinking about now?

The pregnant cat felt his tears and woke ul with a confused "mrrr", staring at him. Azul sniffled and wiped his face again, not bothering to look at the cat. The cat yawned and put his face back on his lap, which only made bim cry even harder. He covered his entire face with his sleeves now, hiding his white skin stained with random blotches and discoloration. His messy black hair had been disturbed with bis hands, making the boy look like he had a weird wig on. He looked terrible indeed.

Lucifer sighed, should he even bother with talking him right now?  
Would it be the right decision?  
Before he could take a step closer to him, he noticed a certain angel coming closer to him and he immedietly backtracked, hiding behind the nearby tree and poking his head out slightly to see what was going on. "This is ridiculous. What am I even doing?" He thought to himself with a bitter face. Hiding behind this tree as if he was stalking them... Well, he WAS spying on them, that is an undeniable fact. But it's just not the same. Besides, Simeon wasn't that innocent. Granted, he didn't had the same threat levels of a common demon, but you would still have no idea what he would try.

...  
Ugh, forget this. Who's he even fooling?

"Azul..." He stood in front of him and gently touched his shoulder, squeezing it softly to get his attention. The human looked up at him with tired eyes, his cheeks were wet and the sleeves of his giant jacket was wet, painting the fabric a few shades darker. Simeon studied his face for a moment before talking again. "The bell had already rung, the professor asked were you were..."

"Oh... Alright. Thanks..." Azul sniffled one last time and accepted Simeon's handkerchief, using it to wipe his eyes and nose. He was tired, but he at least felt better. He felt Simeon's arm on his shoulder and looked up at him, flashing a small smile. Lucifer almost choked on his own spit. When did these two got so close? Why was it Simeon of all people, it would be much less of a problem if it was one of his brothers. 

_Why the angel?_

_Was he not there?_


	2. Chapter 2

Lucifer rubbed the bridge of his nose in distress, wondering what to do or say. Azul had been moody for the whole day, and it wasn't because of something stupid or unimportant again. He had gone into a serious fight with a couple demons after the first period, when he went to the cafeteria to buy a bottle of water. The cause of the conflict? Apparently one demon shoved him aside to make his own purchase first for "no reason", and caused him to hit his head on the wooden leg of the table next to them. 

Angry for this type of treatment, Azul got up and took the closest chair to him, smashing it on the demon's head. Then those demons proceeded to beat the shit out of him until Satan entered the place to get his own stuff. Then they fled. One human couldn't beat 3 demons. Though somehow, Azul gave one of them minor brain damage with the chair before it smashed into pieces in his hands.

But the end result was clear. Azul's lip was busted, his nose was bleeding, he had a bruise on his left eye and it was swollen, most of the bones on his left hand (the dominant one) were cracked and 4 of them were broken because one demon kept stepping on it, and he had other bruises and cuts on the remaining parts of his body. He was absolutely shit faced, it wasn't even worth the fight. 

And now the entire school was talking about how he almost got killed in a fight. Though Diavolo was quick to act and commanded to delete all social media posts and articles about it. Though people still talked about t. Thanks to this human, he had more paperwork to do. And the reputation of the program was almost shattered.  
 ~~Was he not worried about the human as well?~~

After Simeon bandaged Azul up and dulled his pain a bit with his magic, he was sent straight to Lucifer's office to have a proper lecture from him. "...Words cannot describe the dissappointment I feel towards you." Lucifer began, running a hand through his own messy hair. He had gotten rid of his gloves a while ago, not wanting to stain them with sweat after he started to feel hot, before it reached down to his hands. 

He leaned down on his chair and stared at the boy in front of him. Azul's glasses were broken, so he was probably seeing him as a blurry figure with no proper facial movements besides his mouth. The boy was wearing 5.75 degree glasses anyway, he already had enough trouble with seeing the board at school. 

Which was an annoying inconvenience. Since he couldn't see properly, he couldn't really see the anger and exhaustion on Lucifer's features. Which meant more work to convince him that he fucked up pretty badly.

Azul blinked a few times, feeling the back side of his eyes ache from seeing blurry for so long. He held an unreadable emotion on his face, it was a pretty hard one to understand. The only thing that was obvious on his face, from the small purse of his lips and his constant swallowing, that he was trying not to cry. 

Lucifer knew that the emotion of dissappointment hurt way more than any sort of physical punishment. Especially if the receiving side loved, admired, or hated the other side. Because the punishment giver is on a higher status in social or academical environment, the receiver had to deal with their constant disapproving, or sometimes ignoring, attidutes without being able to say anything. 

It was a very harsh treatment, but it worked on people.

"...I still cannot believer you risked the entire program just because some random demons bullied you. If you've just reported them, none of this would've happened, we had security footage as well. We could've easily punished them accordingly, and this whole event would be forgotten." 

Lucifer said, getting up and pushing back his chair loudly as a result, starting to pace back and forth around the room as he ranted. "But you just _had to_ go and fight back. You just had to show them thst you weren't a person to be messed with. You showed pride, Azul." 

He said and got closer, leaning on his face, feeling him flinch and swallow slowly once more, tears threatening to stream down his face. He grabbed his face with one hand, squeezing it by his cheeks slightly. Not too tight that he would make a goofy face by the pressure or leave a bruise. But he applied pressure to his jaw bones, specifically the bruises on them. The skin was cold and sticky, and Azul almost screamed from the pain.

"Humans like you have no right to have pride in any aspect of themselves." He said coldly with poison dripping down his voice, getting a wide eyed look from the poor boy. Deep down, he love the expression he was showing. Hurt, scared, confused, at the edge of breaking down. They have to take in all the abuse until they are stronger, until they are actually worthy of praise. So they could make their enemies beg for mercy at the tip of their boots..." 

He let him go harshly, making Azul hold his jaw and scrunch his face in pain. Lucifer didn't walk away from him though, he just kept staring. "Stop staring..." Azul frowned with a quiet voice. Lucifer almost laughed at his face. After all that, he still had the power to act like his words had no effect on him? He still believed he could defy him and do whatever he wanted? Seriously? He held it back though, only letting a smirk appear on his face before that disappeared as well. 

"But you?" He continued as if Azul had never said anything. "You still have a long, _really long_ way before that. Especially in this land. You completely rely on us with your pathetic lack of power... if you contine to misbehave like this, you deserve whatever happens to you. And we won't be able to provide protection for you." He finally walked away, sitting back at his chair with a calmer expression than before.

"You are an inferior biological specie that is here for no purpose other than being a tool for Diavolo's dream. Nothing more. Don't feel special because a few of my brothers showed kindness to you out of pity... I expect you to know your place before you act next time."

"I am not..." He began speaking, but looked down afterwards. What was the point of even denying it? Technically, what Lucifer said was true. He was there just to be a tool, a small step at bringing the realms together. A plain human that eas dragged out of his home out of pure luck. He was supposed to be honoured, thanking Lucifer on his knees for choosing him... 

Lucifer's thoughts got interrupted by a small sob out of pure anger, the ones that resembled Satan's from a long time ago. Back when he was training him to become a proper demon, even though he was a fallen himself. 

Lucifer completely destroyed Satan's own pride and any traces of a proper personality that began growing in the boy. As a result, their study sessions ended with Satan screaming at Lucifer, calling him a shit of a father and a cruel waste of space. That if the Celestial war never happened if he just let his hag of a sister die, he wouldn't have been born. No one would suffer. If Lucifer just knew to keep his mouth shut and obeyed like the pathetic excuse of an angel that he was, no one would be hurt. That he never wanted to be alive from his rage in the first place. 

Satan was fine now, as much as he could be. He stopped caring about Lucifer when he hit his 1,200th birthday, realizing that this man was nothing but a venomous being that latched onto the first thing it didn't liked, slowly killing them with his poison .

A very tiny feeling formed on his chest after he heard that first cry from Azul. All of a sudden. It was in the size of a seed, barely noticeable at first. For a moment, he thought if his mind was just playing games with him. He had a very thick wall, a blanket made form the itchiest of materials out there, that seperated the thoughts he wanted to believe and prioritized, and the ones be actually felt.

This emotion was too, buried under that blanket, tightly secured and unimportant. 

It was guilt.  
The guilt he felt for destroying yet another innocent person's pride, calling them worthless until they actually believed his words.  
He was an asshole, a person that deserved nothing but the worst of punishments. Acting like this for no reason other than the things he prioritised, as if he worshipped the person that bounded him in his chains in the first place. And no reason other than to see the broken, angry, agonized expressions of these weak people until they became stone hard. 

Buy why was he doing this? Out of spite for the world ruining his life? What was his problem? Or was he really acting for no reason? Just what was going on his head that made him press on this boy until he absolutely despised him?   
Why couldn't he have a normal relationship with the people around him?  
Why did he destroy everything he touched?

\---

"Your hair looks messier today..." The affectionate angel extended out his hand in a weirdly slow pace and slowly pet the pitch black locks on the human's head, separating some of them while smiling slightly. The boy looked through his bangs, his new glasses covered at least %40 percent of his face and he looked just... Cute in them. Unreasonably cute. Lucifer would've complimented on them, but seeing that this angel was obviouslt fawning over him, he kept his mouth shut. He just wished he didn't openly flirted with Azul like this, in front of _him_.

Azul looked up from his backstabbing sandwich (a meal Beelzebub gave him when he noticed that he skipped breakfast) and resisted an urge to smile, he loved it whenever Simwon touched his hair. He only let the angels get close to him, which was understandable. Solomon was a powerful sorcerer and a shifty fuck, and the demons were just... Well, just no. Was it slightly racist? Maybe, but it was in a human's instincts to think of Angels = Good and Demons = Bad anyways.

Anyway.   
They were having lunch in a secluded area at the backyard of yard, close to the green house which held many different and possibly toxic plants. But since it was so hot in there, they decided to sit underneath a tree with a small blanket put under them. Why did Azul even agreed to go anywhere near Lucifer after that? Lucifer didn't know, and it infuriated him. What was wrong with this human? Was he just brain dead, a masochist, or saw no point in being snappy towards Lucifer since it's been 4 days, and both of their fury was gone? 

Or was it simply because this stupid angel was there?

He swallowed his bite soon and mumbled. "Well... I like having it messy... It looks cute. I think."

 _It DOES look cute. But why are you letting HIM touch it when I am here?_

His pride rang in his ears again, leaving a bad taste in his mouth. Pure pride always came in the form of blatant arrogance that had no source and it always spoke to him like that. It was the individual's personality that gave the final shape to this pride. And for Lucifer, it was a matter of being perfect and earning that pride. He sighed, cringing at how foolish his mind sounded. He wasn't anything special, _he was_ , and Azul didn't have to love him, _he had to_.

"Just say you want Simeon to adjust it every 2 minutes." Lucifer said with a straight voice, making it impossible to know if he was joking, being sarcastic, or being jealous. While Azul's face lit up in a colour other than the bruises on his face, Simeon just stared at him for a second before breaking into a smile. "I still wouldn't mind it, if that was the case."

"...Don't say stuff like that. It's weird." Azul stuffed his face with the sandwich before anyone could see his grin, sinking further in the oversized pastel green sweater he wore. Asmodeus decided that he had enough of seeing him in that pesky jacket, so he bought him many loose and oversized clothing that varied in different colours. Some were the same model but in different colours, which was more fun to wear to be honest. 

Lucifer constantly had to remind him that he had to wear the traditional uniform, but the boy ignored him and did whatever he saw as the most comfortable option. He only wore the uniform in the traditional style unless an important event was happening, like a speech or a final or some shit.

"But I mean it. I like taking care of the people I care about." The angel's genuine smile shone brighter than the moon on top of their heads, hurting Lucifer's eyes as it dazzled the dull, grey-ish blue ones of Azul's. It was ironic, his name literally meant "sky blue". Yet his eyes were so far away from what they were named after. But as they stared at the angel, they held a different colour. Almost as if they were brightened. That light disappeared as fast as it came though, after his gaze met with Lucifer's. _Who even uses Celestial Light on humans anymore?_  
 _Simeon, apparently._

"...Changing the subject, how did the Demonic Algebra test go for you two?" Azul said, taking a sip grom his soda as he stared at the two. "Mine was good, I could only study for a week though... I'll see how it comes out." Simeon answered, now looking at Lucifer. "I'm guessing yours was great?"

"You already know the answer." Lucifer said flatly. "I don't deal with paperwork all the time... How about you, Azul?"

"Same as usual... I did my best, but it isn't going to be enough. Kinda like my entire life." Azul chuckled and the conversation went on with Simeon shaking his head while smiling, and Lucifer rolling his eyes while no one is looking. An obvious lack of motivation in his mind making itself known through his voice. 

A long, tormented sigh leaves his chest as he leans back on the tree behind him, hitting the back of his head on it with a soft motion. While Simeon and Lucifer argued on something he was semi-interested in, his own thoughts blocked his hearing and the two voices turned into muffled babbling, as if he was underwater. 

What was he thinking about?  
Well, nothing in particular. He started to tap his fingers on his lap in a rhythm, trying to remember the lyrics of a song he liked. It was a weird song, people might even say that it is overly dramatic. But he liked it and that was no one's business. "Even if the clock strikes back, I was born without a reason. Being picked up, and naturally collapsed. "I really don't understand your true feelings." Sobbing..." The singer said and continued. "Yet I can't find my place to be. Searching for it has no meaning, doesn't it?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. He was fine, he wasn't a teenager with mental issues. He had a steady life, even though he was a loner. His relationships with other people were in an acceptable level. He was fine, he didn't need to act all depressed and sad. It would just bring attention to himself even more. Why was he even thinking like this? As if he held any importance, other people had actual reasons to be depressed, or whatever mental illnesses that were out there.

That's what he said to himself of course.  
But everyone knew he was a pathetic vermin and needed help.  
But the problem is; No one wanted to have anything to do with this "help" and "treatment". 

"Did we bore you?" Simeon joked, getting his attention. 

"Kinda." He shrugged. "Hey, Simeon. Can you guess how tall I am?"

"You are at least 5 foot, right?"

Lucifer got a warning look from Azul when he smirked at Simeon's response. Staring at Azul in the eye he spoke.

"He is 4'11."


End file.
